I do not enjoy spicy food. Whenever I have a bit of extra pepper in my food I get a gag reflex. Curry is a spice that I never tried willingly and had it in my mouth because it appeared on my plate. I can put spicy food in my mouth, chew on the piece of meat, can even swallow it, digest it without vomiting. Like a child and the cough medicine. But I will never get pleasure out of it. Enjoy it to the full, experience its wonders, melting spice in my mouth, the thrill of amazing taste. It is beyond my abilities. It is a constraint. I hate it. I hate being constraint, limited, forced in the box of people who will never X because they can not Y. It’s a good thing I admit it though. And I know I will never grow out of it.
I am also afraid of the darkness. I rarely go into a dark place and when I do I get scared. So I avoid it. But I will outgrow it in some years to come. I will do so when I will have children. I would like my children to not be afraid of the darkness. So I will voluntarily walk with them in the darkness, teach them not to be afraid, tell them I am not afraid either. This will happen. For sure! I will then outgrow myself and step out of my own boundaries with the topic darkness. But not with the spices. I feel it is beyond me.
There are emotions, perceptions, concepts in this world that are beyond a person’s ability to fully understand, to fully enjoy. Even the cleverest, most intelligent person can empathize with the situation, compare it with his experience, try to make head or tales of it but in the end not experience to the full. I am talking in riddles today.
I am fascinated these days. I am fascinated with a human being that does not grasp love as I understand it, as I feel it. He tries to comprehend, compare, adjust, empathize, reject, embrace, destroy it, reconstruct it, fit it like a piece of clothing, fitting it like a shoe or like a hat… he fits in it, he does not fit in it, he wishes he would fit, he wishes not.
It is so fascinating to me. My idea of love to this person is like the idea of spices to me.
This person gave me one wonderful compliment. He said, and I am terribly sorry I can not remember word by word, that “being with me&my ideas is making him go beyond himself, feel beyond his usual self. And we have this connection. I feel it all the time.”
I guess my life makes more sense now.